In Real Life

A couple years ago, I was sitting with a young man (16 years old) catching up after not seeing him in a while. Not to far into the session, this simple exchange occurred:

Me: “How do you feel like things are going for you socially?”

Client: “In real life or no?”

I was stunned.

Initially, because I was not exactly sure how to interpret his response. But I quickly realized that he was serious and him needing clarification to my question, was completely valid.

Since then, the term “in real life” has become quite common in my office. And it’s completely common in the world of adolescents today. They have friends in real life and they have friends in virtual life - most commonly through gaming.

In my session, I quickly got back to my feet (so to speak) and managed to continue a level of engagement around this particular topic. Washington, Kansas, Texas, California, etc. These were the states that his friends - his virtual friends - lived in. And of course he had friends that he interacted with day to day at school.

But when I asked him about his social life he needed clarification regarding which crew I was talking about because both were absolutely relevant.

For some, this is alarming and disconcerting. Others read it and simply find it fascinating. And while there is valuable conversation to be had around both of those responses (as well as others not mentioned), I simply want to highlight my ignorance at that time. Who knew that he had friends he called by first (or last) name at school and friends that he was truly close to, but could only associate with an avatar and username?

One of the things I enjoy most about working with adolescent boys is getting to understand the vast amount of data that is to be known if you just get a tad bit under the surface. The problem is that getting a bit under the surface with a teenage boy can be incredibly hard - some would even question if it’s possible.

We live in a community and society today where our boys are struggling.

Michael Gurian puts it this way:

“While terrorists have killed approximately 5,000 adults and children in America in the last fifteen years, we’ve lost millions of boys in that same time to suicide, murder, despair, self-destruction, addiction, and immersion in lives and activities that lead them and others into harm’s way. Millions of our sons are living with little or no purpose, failing to launch.”

We also live in a society where great focus in placed on just about every other population, except boys. I’m not saying that focusing on other populations is not important. But like Mr. Gurian, I am concerned that we are assuming far too much about our boys and the life they will lead one day.

My ignorance that day challenged me to understand those that I sit in front of that much better. Boys, adolescent boys (and contrary to popular belief), want to be seen. They want to be known. They want to be validated and autonomous. And if the current adolescent social climate tells me anything about the day that we live in, it’s that whether they get what they need from us or not, they will find ways to get their needs met.

Excerpt taken from Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys - page 17.